Dieting Under Stress

I have tried my share of diets throughout my life.  Everything from Sugar Busters to Nutrisystem to the cabbage diet.  Some worked, some didn't. No matter how expensive or elaborate the diet, the weight usually came back after a while.  If only I had known there was another alternative!

Breakfast

1 grapefruit

1 slice whole wheat dry toast

1 oz. skim milk

Lunch

4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast

1 cup steamed spinach

1 cup herbal tea

1 Oreo cookie

Mid-afternoon snack

The rest of the Oreos in the package

1 pint rocky road ice cream

1 jar hot fudge sauce

1 bowl cherries

whipped cream

Dinner

1 loaf of garlic bread with cheese

large pizza of your choice

4 cans or one pitcher of beer

2 Milky Way candy bars

Rules for this diet:

*If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
*If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
*When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
*Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and cheesecake.
*If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
*Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
*Cookie pieces contain no calories.  The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
*Things licked off of knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.  Examples are peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.
*Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.  For example, spinach and pistachio ice cream.

NOTE:  Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.