May 18, 2008

Ponder This

Justice - when you get what you deserve.
Mercy - when you don't get what you deserve.
Grace - when you get what you don't deserve.

Neal went up to the Denver area today for a Volkswagen show, so I'm at home alone ...well, as alone as one can be with three dogs and a herd of cats. I'm doing the normal weekend domestic duties of washing clothes, dusting, sweeping, etc. And, I am very much procrastinating doing something I really need to do.

My dad died in 1999, my mom almost two years ago. I loved both of my parents very much, but my mom's death was especially hard. She was not only my mother, she was my first friend - my best friend. She was my soft place to fall, and catch me she many, many times. Just writing this brings me to tears. I miss her so much.

When my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, she immediately went into high gear and began making plans, organizing her affairs, and making sure I knew where everything was and what was to be done. After she died, we went through the painful task of disposing of her possessions. Some things were earmarked for certain family members and friends, some donated, some sold. And there were some things I just couldn't bare to deal with at the time, so they were boxed up and trucked from Louisiana to Colorado to sit in our garage and wait an unknown fate.

My mom was a very organized person...sometimes too organized... in that she kept a lot of things she probably didn't need to keep, especially paperwork. To lessen the burden on me, she did downsize a good bit before her death, but two large tasks still loomed over my head and in my garage, 1) two file cabinets chocked full of documents, notebooks, cards, miscellaneous office supplies, and 2) boxes and boxes of loose photos, framed photos, photo albums.

I have made a good dent in the file cabinets and have purged a lot of things there is no need for me to keep. But, I have not touched the boxes and boxes of photos. Every time I step into the garage and look over at that corner, I get an overwhelming panic attack type feeling. I simply do not know what to do with it all. Family was very important to my mother and photos were taken at every family reunion, every vacation, every milestone throughout the years. It seems somewhat sacrilegious to me to throw away photos, but I've come to the realization that I cannot keep them all. I have no children to leave them to and all the family members who would want any have already gotten what they want

So, this morning while I was busying myself doing other things that didn't involve venturing out to the garage, I passed by my bulletin board and glanced at a scrap piece of paper I had tacked up there. On the paper was the above quote in my mother's handwriting. I thought it very profound when I found it in her things, and she obviously thought it important enough to write down. Below it she had written the name of a church friend who is long since passed. I don't know if this was an original quote from that friend, but I have an idea this pondering came from a Sunday School lesson he must have taught one day. Whatever the case, it made an impression on mom at the time and today I take it as a sign to get off my butt and start unpacking boxes.

I'll be off to the garage now...

"Hey, can't a girl get any privacy around here?"


Anonymous said...

i love that quote - i think it will have to go on my refrigerator...good luck with all the photographs - i hope there will be many good memories to be found in those boxes...

Lilla said...

Yes, many, many memories...and, many, many boxes! I've started unpacking but I'm nowhere close to being done! Glad you liked the quote.